Parenting Advice From My 8-Year-Old

I know one thing about parenting. Even if your kid grows up to be weird that’s ok. As long as they can survive on their own you’ve done a good job as a parent. —Real-life quote from my 8-year-old

My son dropped this bit of wisdom on me recently when my kids and I were working on their laundry together. It made me laugh, but just like many of the funny things kids say – I thought it rang of the truth. It made me think about a common source of conflict that can arise between parents and teens and I thought his point of view was actually a helpful way to frame it.

Often times when conflict is occurring between teens and parents it is because teens have started to change in ways that are surprising, disappointing, or worrisome to parents. Sometimes parents express concerns about their youth becoming interested in music or ideas that don’t align with the family’s values or interests. Sometimes youth decide not to go to university after a long childhood plan to do so.

Priorities shift and plans change. I’ve often heard parents say they don’t even recognize their child anymore. Sometimes teens begin to experiment with marijuana or become involved in romantic relationships. For some parents these behaviours are unacceptable and very frightening. These topics can become sore subjects and sometimes communication suffers and conflict begins.

Why Do These Changes Happen?

We know that adolescence is a special stage of development. One of the main jobs of an adolescent is to develop their own sense of identity. These changes are a normal and expected part of teenage development.

Another main theme of teenage development is taking steps toward independence. Teens want the chance to make some of their own decisions and choices so they can start practicing these skills.

Even though these changes are a part of teenagehood, they can still be very overwhelming and concerning for parents. Parents want to have some influence or “say” in these choices. We have blogged previously about how to build connection with your teen; you can read about it here. A strong connection with your teen means that your teen might be more willing to consider your guidance as they explore and make decisions.

Reframe Your Perspective

Often when we talk more deeply with parents about all of these changes, they all say essentially the same thing. The reason they are concerned about these changes in their teen is because they are worried about them. Parents want to know that their child will grow up to be a happy and self-sufficient adult.

When we think about this basic truth it can help to change our perspective. Maybe your teen has decided not to go to university, but they have another career plan in mind, or they plan to just work. Even if it wasn’t what you had hoped for, this might be a plan that will allow your teen to meet their own needs. Perhaps they have some choices in style and music that you don’t agree with, but they are still going to school. This means they are still on the path towards independence.

If your teen is doing something that could truly interfere with their ability to function in the future then this might be the area where you need to focus on setting limits. In other areas where they are expressing their individuality or experimenting with independence, you might be able to just sit back and observe their journey. These don’t need to be the sources of extra conflict that could risk your connection with your teen. Remember, with a strong connection your teen will likely come to you for guidance along the way.

If you are concerned that your teen’s behaviours are beyond normal development, or if you aren’t sure, our team at Dragonfly is always willing to have a consultation session to discuss. Feel free to connect with us today.