Bell Let’s Talk Day: But My Teen Doesn’t Want to Talk!

Today on Bell Let’s Talk Day we wanted to cover a question parents often ask – I want to check in with my teen but they don’t want to talk to me – what do I do?

You Are Not Alone

The first thing to consider your teen’s developmental stage. It is normal and expected that teens are starting to try and flex their independence muscles. This makes a lot of sense and it can be a good thing – after all your teen is only a few years away from being an adult and they will need to develop the skills to function independently.

It is also very developmentally normal that their number one priority right now is making social connections. This is one of the “jobs” of adolescence – to begin to form a sense of identity of their own, and this often means some pulling away from parents and increased time spent with peers.

You are certainly not the only parent wondering how to connect with your teen! Some of this is normal, expected, and the developing of independence and identity is a good thing.

Know That They Still Need You

Despite these expected changes in the teenage years your child still needs you. Your teen is just starting to develop his or her independence skills, but they are not done. Teen brains are still developing, and they are still more impulsive than an adult and still learning emotional regulation.

This is why teens still need guidance and support as they start trying to do things on their own. As a parent, your role is rapidly changing. Your teen no longer needs you to do the “hands on” work that was required when they were younger. You no longer need to have the same kind of authoritative role. Instead, your role is becoming that of a guide.

Your teens are going to want to try and do things on their own, and the hope is that they will come to you for guidance and advice in making good decisions. When you do need to set limits for your teen, you can help them understand your reasoning so that they can learn how to make good decisions for themselves in the future.

In order to facilitate these important conversations between yourself and your teen, there are some things you can do to encourage communication:

Be Open to Opportunities

Connecting with your teen might not be as easy as it was when they were younger. They might be less open to answering direct questions. You can help encourage conversation by really listening and responding when they do share something with you. Sometimes the topics your teen chooses to talk about with you might just seem like small off-hand comments. Their topic might not be the one you are really interested in, but this is your opportunity to show that you are there to listen to what they want to say.

One way to really show that you are listening is to use validation. Check out our previous blog about validation here. Basically, reflect that you understand what your child is saying and how it is making them feel and don’t be dismissive. Instead of saying “oh well, who cares if that friend doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore, they weren’t that great anyway” try saying “it sounds like you are feeling really sad that your friend isn’t hanging out with you anymore”. Validating doesn’t mean you have to agree with your teen, but it shows them that you hear them and that you care how they feel.

Another great way is to catch your teen doing something good. Be on the watch for times when your teen makes a good choice or helps with something around the house. If you are struggling with your teen’s behaviour right now you might have to really watch and find something that might seem small to you. However this can make your teen feel that you can see their growing independence skills and this can open the door to improved communication (plus you might see those positive behaviours happen more in the future).

Create Your Own Opportunities to Connect

Try to think about activities your teen might enjoy doing with you. This might be going to the movie, getting an ice cream, or taking the dog for a walk together. In your own mind, be sure to plan for this to be a special and protected time to connect. This means that you don’t bring up contentious issues during this time, and you won’t ask a whole bunch of direct questions. Instead, follow your teen’s lead by showing that you are listening to topics they bring up. These special activities should not be taken away as a part of a consequence because they are so important to building that connection between yourself and your teen.

If you are concerned that your teen’s lack of communication is more than normal teenage changes, or if they are isolating from everyone including their friends, it might be appropriate to speak to a professional. Sometimes parents express that the conflict with their teen has become so severe that these strategies don’t work for them, and this is also a time when a professional might need to help work on communication skills. Our team at Dragonfly is happy to help you work on your connection with your teen; contact us if this is something you would like to discuss.