Cell Phones and Teens

The Conundrum

Are you one of many parents facing the same conundrum? My teen (or preteen) needs a phone because landlines have gone the way of the dinosaur and they stay home alone sometimes – I need to know they can make a call in case of an emergency. Plus a cell phone would mean I can contact them when they are out with friends, and sometimes they need it for school.

BUT….I’m terrified! You might have heard stories of other kids who have ended up in unsafe conversations online, or teens who have been bullied or harassed online and it has seriously impacted their mental health.

If you are already thinking about some of the risks and benefits of giving your preteen/teen a cell phone then you are on the right track. These are all important things to consider and both the risks and the benefits are very real. We think this is the perfect time to make a plan that can help to mitigate some of these risks.

The Cell Phone Contract

Sometimes we call this plan a “cell phone contract”. This means that you sit down together with your teen and agree to some terms and write them down to make sure everyone is very clear on the expectations. Some of these terms will be specific to your family and your values, but we do think there are some general terms that can apply overall.

Some of these general terms are:

• Your teen will provide you with the password to their phone and all their apps.
• You can let your teen know that you will be checking on their online activity periodically, or more often if you have reason to be concerned.
• We would suggest some limits around times of phone use. This will be specific to your family, but usually phones should have a “parking spot” that is NOT your teen’s room for overnight, and you will also want to consider limits around school time, homework time, meal times etc.
• Be clear about the consequences if these rules aren’t followed. Usually it means they will lose their phone privileges for a period of time, but be sure to lay this out clearly

But Isn’t this Invasive?

Many parents express concern that these terms might be too invasive, and say that they trust their teen. We would agree that having good communication and trust with your teen is very important and will absolutely increase the likelihood that they will talk to you about any problems online. However we also know that sometimes when unsafe things happen to youth online it is not clear to them that it is unsafe early on.

Our preteens and teens are still learning and their brains are still developing, and we are giving them a device with access to almost anyone and anything in the world. It makes a lot of sense that they need some guidance in using this device. The goal is that by the time they reach adulthood they will be able to use their phone safely and independently, but they will need some time and assistance to get there.

Going Back to Basic Parenting Principles

Sometimes I like to think about the “olden days” (that’s how my kids refer to my childhood) when I was a pre-teen and a teen and we had to hang out with our friends “in real life”. I think it was very common for parents to want to know where their kids were going, who they were hanging out with, and what they would be doing. If parents had concerns, they would let their kids know.

Today many of our youth’s social activities are occurring on their phone but the same principles still apply. It is also much better to make these expectations clear right from the start to reduce frustration and confusion later on if you do need to enforce a consequence.

I hope this gives you some ideas as you think about this big decision. As always, if you need additional information or guidance we are happy to provide parent or family support at Dragonfly Child and Family Wellness Centre, feel free to give us a call or book an initial assessment to discuss further.